Shout at the children? Do not ever get angry? Anger management – for all

Get angry– We are all different: some one is more amenable to emotions, and some – to mind control; but still we often go on about emotions even when we are sure that we make a rational choice. How to be? Especially with such a heavy emotion as anger? The most correct thing is to understand what anger is, and learn how to manage it, if possible.

When we get angry

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Anger is not a pleasant feeling . It makes one feel uncomfortable both of the one who is angry and of the one who is angry. To show anger towards children usually does not make sense and does not bring us any relief. And the one to whom it is directed (in our case, the child), and even more so.

To anger a person can sense a danger and disconnectedness on the hands and feet. And this concerns not only physical danger. If someone is unfair to us or is rude, if we are offended, humiliated, if we are put up with obstacles, most likely, it will anger and / or anger us.

A child for us can not be a source of physical threat. However, children are noisy, they all scatter, require constant attention, do not give to sleep – that is, they are an irritating factor for parents. Older children irritate parents with disobedience. You’ll get angry, perhaps, when the fifth time in a day you ask your thirteen-year-old child to make music quieter (or remove dirty dishes from the table, take out the trash, do not tease the younger sister, etc.). Despite the fact that we love our child more than anything in the world, often there is a feeling that the child for us – a mess.

To anger manifested , there must be two prerequisites: stress and thought provocateur . These two conditions interact, like straw and a match: if one of the factors is absent, anger does not arise or will be mild.

If you are relaxed, have a rest and in a good mood, thoughts like: “This he does on purpose, because I did not buy a toy!” – will not cause irritation to the child.

When you are tired, tense and long in a state of stress, and the child behaves unacceptably (crying, fussing, furious, fighting …), you will still be able to avoid an explosion if you think in this situation: “Wow, it would be better if we did not go to this park … He did not get enough sleep, he was tired and hungry. We must go home soon. ”

But if both factors (stress and thought provocateurs) converge at one point-that is, a parent who is tired of inner tension in a situation when the child behaves inadequately, will think: “This is he on purpose! Just because I did not buy him a toy! “- everything, a match is thrown, anger and anger here like here.

Why it is difficult to control anger

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Of all emotions, it is hardest to control precisely anger and anger as its milder form. There are two main ways of manifesting anger, more and less controlled .

The first way when we think, for example: “This cashier, it seems, is trying to deceive me!”. And  anger arises as a consequence of this thought . This kind of manifestation of anger is relatively easy to control, because the first step was the activity of the cerebral cortex, which is responsible for thinking.

It is much harder to control another way of displaying anger, when literally for a split second the understanding of the situation, and emotion (anger, anger), and action (expression of emotions) are included . You drive along the road, and then another driver chops you, forcing you to react immediately. A fraction of a second was enough to avoid a collision, and to think: “You look … specially cut me!”, And that, feeling a surge of rage, shout: “Donkey! And who sold you the right ?! “. And if there was an opportunity, you probably would have cut it right.

With such a lightning-fast development of events, the “new” departments of the brain, those responsible for rational assessment and reflection, do not have time to get involved in the work. Only the “old” work here. From time immemorial, they were responsible for prompt response of our ancestors in situations like “hit or run”.

When an angry person in the head thinks: “What am I doing?” Or “What’s happening to me?” Is a sign that the cerebral cortex has turned on, which now (whoever, sooner, later) will help take control over the situation and own behavior.

How to extinguish the spark of anger at the very beginning

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Anger has a tendency to increase and grow. Although the anger lasts for a relatively short time, only a few seconds or minutes, its intensity during this brief period has time to grow sharply.

As soon as a feeling of anger arises, it is desirable that the brain departments immediately turn on, which will help us soberly look at the situation, change the provocative idea and take control of our own behavior.

If the child is furious in the back seat of the car, do not think: “Here’s an insolent fellow! It provokes me especially! “. So we wind ourselves up and start to growl, looking in the rear-view mirror. It is better to consciously replace such thoughts with: “Probably, he was tired and hungry … he had a long day too … in four years it’s difficult to pull himself together.”

We should make this replacement of the provocative thought as soon as possible, because if we miss the moment when the emotion of anger is born, it will grow and bind us hand and foot. If we extinguish the spark of anger as early as possible, we will not only not let it flare up, but we will also come to an adequate reaction. And this is useful for us, and especially for whom our anger is directed – to the child.

Yes, I’m never angry at all!

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So many say in full confidence that it is so. And they turn out to be wrong. Recall that in the appearance of anger, a key role is played by a sense of threat and interference. If a person feels that he never experiences such feelings, it is very likely that he does not listen attentively to himself.

When we put the interests of others, if only the people closest to us (parents, spouses, children, friends) are higher than our own, in the course of time we practically completely refuse our own interests – and we cease to feel them.

Someone seems to be the ideal always a nice person who is ready to sacrifice himself for others, never argues, never complains of fatigue and does not grumble, to which nothing is a burden. But such a person does not care about himself, which, if we take into account both the nearest and the longer perspective, is no good. Taking care of yourself is perhaps the most important thing you should teach your baby.

To learn this important lesson, the child first of all must see how his parent cares for himself. From this point of view, anger, expressed in an adequate way, will perfectly demonstrate to your relatives where your boundaries are and what you need yourself. Or it is not necessary.

From suppression of anger to depression

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In some families, anger is banned, and there is (not) a public rule that it can not be expressed, that the very feeling of anger is unequivocally bad. Some parents feel uncomfortable and uncomfortable when children express any negative emotions.

They have an attitude to the fact that children should be constantly happy and happy. And everything that does not fit into this framework (anger, anguish, jealousy, envy, etc.), they experience as if they got a pebble in a shoe and need to be urgently disposed of. Therefore, the first expressions of anger are treated as ingratitude, lack of love for parents, insolence.

If an angry is not accepted in the family because of its strong nature and orientation to everyone around, there may be a tendency to replace anger with some other feeling, equally negative, but not so aggressive and not directed outwards.

So, there are families where, for example, it is not at all customary to express anger, but sadness is not forbidden. A member of such a family can not be angry at all, and longing for how much his soul will like.

No one will be alarmed if a child – even a small one, even older – becomes tearful, detached, weak-willed, often in a bad mood … But if he suddenly raises his voice or otherwise expresses anger, an invisible family alarm, and all attack him with condemnation and censure: “How do you talk with your mother ?!”, “Do not be ashamed!”, “You have nothing to be angry with!”.

The mechanism of substituting one’s feelings for others lies in the sphere of the unconscious and is absorbed by all members of the family very quickly. A person prone to depression who persistently suppresses his anger, it may take many months, and even years of psychotherapy, to come to the conclusion that he is not depressed at all, but ever get angry.


Roger Walker

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